Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas and Jesus and Me

This past week has pushed my limits as an introvert, by far.  I don't think I've gotten an ounce of "alone time" since last Monday, a week ago, and now I am feeling frazzled.  Pardon me while I retreat for a few days...

This Christmas was wonderful and terrible at the same time.  It was wonderful because I felt like my family has been doing better than ever and we were able to have an extremely happy Christmas season (my mom wasn't even too much of a Grinch!), and of course I got many wonderful gifts ;)  I got to have 3 Christmas family celebrations (Here in SD, in LB with Heather, and also with Andrew's family) I ate my share of delectable treats.  But aside from that, it wasn't too special.  Despite many efforts to make it feel like Christmas (cue personalized Christmas CD, walking Christmas Card Lane, drinking raspberry mochas, playing Mannheim Steamroller with my Dad, making chocolates for friends, decorating and smelling winter smells, etc.) it just never happened for me.  For the first time in my life I was up early on Christmas and I had to wake up everyone else, but I was crabby about it and they whole day was mostly a blur that I was happy do be done with.  I have NEVER had that feeling about Christmas day.

But I think what bothered me, and what is still bothering me, is that I can't get my heart in the right place about it.  I have spent time praying and reading and thinking and meditating and just really trying to understand what Christmas means, and what it meant, and while I can literally grasp the concepts, I can't emotionally grasp them.  I thought that this year would be different.  This year was a transformation year of sorts and I really expected to have a supernatural Christmas, but no such thing visited my heart.

I have stripped myself of internet sites (aside from Blogger of course!), I have cut TV near entirely out of my life, and I have been trying to put more effort into the things I am doing (as opposed to spreading myself out and doing things half-heartedly), but to what avail?  I think I was trying to get a sense of who I really am when I don't have so many outside voices telling me who I am or what I do, or what I should feel good about and what I should feel bad about, and I was trying to prioritize without distraction.  I am still trying to prioritize.  And I have found that I only want a few things.....

Stay Tuned... 2011 New Year's Resolutions are up next.

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