Monday, October 25, 2010

I smile at the little things about me that no one will ever know :)

So I've reached the conclusion that I am a pretty solitary person.  True, I spend much time with friends and family, or at school or church, but most of the time that I am me is when I am alone.  I only "process" to myself and I never mind alone time.  Actually, I need it.  And I don't mean that in the same way that everyone needs alone time once in a while; I mean it like when I go too long without some, I have panic attacks--I get overwhelmed so easily by people, even the ones I love.

I was also thinking about this in terms of my future (what kind of a husband wants a wife that will, often, want little or nothing to with him for a few hours now and then?) and the present.  What happens if I get a big girl job where I have to work with people all day, every day?  I tend to label myself as a hermit, since I do spend so much time alone inside, but maybe I'm just a true introvert.  I come home from school and retreat right into my bedroom while my roommate sprawls out all over the rest of the house.  When I lived at home with my parents I feel it was pretty much the same, always cooped up.  I never mind driving alone, I secretly harbored passive aggressive anger towards my dorm roommates that did not allow me time in our room, and I have noticed that I even like being alone on campus during my free times.

I don't think I'm weird or that I just sit around thinking too much, I just like to be alone a lot.  It's when I do my dreaming and my fantasizing (don't take that in a dirty way).  It's when I do the little things that make me feel like me.  I don't think there is anywhere else I would rather be than curled up on my bed reading or watching Gilmore Girls.

I suppose one way to interpret this is that if I do frequently spend time with you, you rate!  But another way to see it is as a warning to all that get close to me.  I don't mean to do this in an offensive way, although many have questioned it.  It's just who I am and I don't think it's a bad thing.